Catching up!

I can't believe it's been a month since my last entry! I was using my blog as a way to clear my mind, kind-of talk things through for myself during chemo. Now that I'm starting to get back to my old self, I have neglected writing.

Well, the past month has been extremely busy! Again, we went to Bear Lake in the trailer and camped with some friends. And we also headed back up to the cabin in Alpine with some friends and had a great time! My sister was here for a whole month...it was so nice to have her around. This summer has been full and we have made some great memories!

My hair is officially coming back. I haven't sported a scarf or hat in a couple weeks now. I don't know if I have a newfound confidence about myself and the strength I feel or what... but the stares and looks just don't bother me anymore.

I am going into the Cancer Center weekly right now for my IV Herceptin treatments. They aren't too bad...as long as the nurse can find a vein to go through (she never can!) The worst part of going in is the reminder. I start to feel sick just walking into the building. But seeing all those people hooked up to their chemo bags is a reality check. Something that helps me remember how lucky we are to have our health. I have such compassion for those people. The look in their eyes is so telling to me now. Wednesdays are always kind-of emotionally draining for me.

And the hormone pill I take daily... are you kidding me? I officially am going through menopause - hot flashes and all! One month down... 4 years and 11 months to go :)

I love my life. I am starting to feel such strength and really getting back to my old self. However, my old self will be different this time. Things I have gone through have taught me so much. I will never be the same. And I am thrilled with the change!

4th of July

This year my little family, my sister Allison's family and some other friends went to Bear Lake for the 4th of July. We had such a great time! We stayed in a cabin... yep - all of us! I thought it would be pretty crazy... and it was! But we all had such a blast! Got in some good "beach" time (if you can call Bear Lake beach that)... went hiking to Bloomington Lake, played bags, went 4-wheeling and ATE!

With a couple day break in between... we next headed for the cabin in Alpine. This time, just Allisons family and ours. Again... had a blast! It is so great to get away. My sister and I went on a couple mountain bike rides that were so beautiful (WOW, that is some pretty country), went down the snake river and hit Bar J ranch.

My sister and her family have been here for about 2 weeks now. It is so much fun to have them around. I would love nothing more than to live closer to my sisters.  My kids are in absolute heaven with some of their cousins around to play with. However...I desperately need to get my kids to bed before 10 one of these days! It's killing me!

I am feeling quite good. I still have to go in every week for my Herceptin treatments. They don't really affect me too badly physically, but mentally... still my issue. Sitting there in the "chemo loungers"... as I look around, I can't help but be reminded what this past 6 months has brought and the changes that have been made in my life. I have to wear a hat and pull it real low so my tears don't show. It gets me every time!

I have decided against radiation. The pros don't necessarily outweigh the cons. I wish one of the doctors would just tell me what to do... but being left with the decision - I opt out. So, on with the Herceptin for another 6 months and I'll start on the Estrogen blockers (pill form) here soon. Fun fun!

Overall... great summer so far! Happy to be alive and well (pretty well, anyways) :)

Last Chemo!

So - Chemo is behind me! I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hate chemo with every piece of my being! Even though my body seemed to tolerate it better than some maybe... it doesn't mean it was easy.

Usually at this point (4 days out), I am feeling alright. Unfortunately, this time around it has been different. The nausea has been unbearable and seems to be much worse through the night. Not to mention the hot/cold sweats that are constant. I haven't been this miserable to date... I am just so glad that it is almost done!

Verdicts still out on radiation. The doctors think they got the margins clear with the surgery, but due to my age and higher chances of it coming back - leave it up to me really. I think I'll probably do it.  Then following radiation, I will continue on the Herceptin IV drip for the year and then do oral drugs (estrogen blocker) for about 5 years.

It's a long road... but I honestly feel that the hard part is over.

I have come this far with the constant support, love, help, etc... of those dear people in my life. I truly have some great support!

On my last day of chemo, my neighborhood friends threw me a post-chemo pool party! It was such a blast. It really is amazing what feeling a little love and seeing such good in people can do for the healing. I really couldn't have come this far without my family, my friends and neighbors, my ward members and all of the strong people who have come into my life because of this event.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I felt like I was a pretty strong person before this trial. Watch out world...I'm going to come back stronger than ever :)

My Big Day

This past Saturday, the "Little Red Riding Hood" bike race/ride was in town. Its a ride that goes all through the valley - 100 miles! Some of my friends were doing it and encouraged me to ride as much as I felt up to, since the race itself raises money for cancer - women specific. I thought, "why not?" and I showed up bright and early.

As it turns out... I did it! I was able to finish the ride and did my first century ride ever... on chemo! It felt so good to finish. To be able to put mind over body and cross the finish line with some good friends that pulled me and supported me the whole way :)

After I got home, I was just famished! I was just waiting for the sun to go down so I could climb in bed and sleep forever! But some friends of mine had invited me to go to dinner, and I was starving... so off I went.

As it turns out, I went to pick up my friend and she told me that she had forgot something in her house and to just come in for a minute. Well... to finish off a great day - there were about 10 of my close high-school friends, many of which I haven't seen in years... there to surprise me for my first surprise "pink" party ever! WOW! I felt so happy... on cloud nine. These great friends that remain there for each other to love and support in good times and in bad... regardless of where we live or how often we see each other.

What a day! You can't really ask for more than that.

I'm off to Texas for my sisters wedding this Friday. I am looking forward to this trip (minus the family pictures that are in the line-up). Should be fun :)

Is it summer yet?

Summer is not really sneaking up on us... but I'm sure it is going to come one of these days! It's crazy that this May has been so rainy and cold. The only threat to summer is that the kids get out of school this next week. I can't believe Alex is going to be in 2nd grade. How time flies. The kids are getting so big... kinda makes me want to freeze time for a while and enjoy it!

It's been harder to enjoy the past few months, as my energies have been wrapped up in getting past this hurdle, getting better. I try to do all that I can in each day. Try to take the kids to the park, read an extra book at bedtime, listen to and really bond with them. Cancer has made me realize that nothing is guaranteed. Every day is a blessing. Not that I don't think I can beat this... I will. But it's impossible not to think of these things. I want to have memories and relationships that really mean something and matter!

It is so easy to take things for granted. I think that most of us do. Until we are faced with a challenge that rocks our core... shakes our securities. Our families, our friends, our blessings and our health. I have been blessed with all things great for much of my life. I wish to move past this challenge and have it in the past forever. But one thing I hope to carry with me is my love and gratitude for all around me... all that I am blessed with.

Race for the Cure

I wasn't quite sure I was going to be able to rally for the big "race" today after I had my 4th round of chemo this past Tuesday. There is turning out to be truth to the warnings that the further along you get into the treatments, the harder it is on your body. I was pretty sure I wanted to just die this time around. It started out badly when I went into get the IV put in and I was doing everything I could to stop the tears. Then when the nurse asked me to go find my chair to sit in for the next 4 hours, I just broke down. It is getting so hard... this pattern of sickness and continuing havoc it is wrecking on my body and mind! I was struggling this week... and I am so happy that I was able to have something to look forward to - The Race for the Cure!

I had such a blast this weekend! Myself and several friends took off Friday night for an overnighter pre-race getaway. We had so much fun! I guess you never get too old to stay up half the night talking. Then this morning, we cruised over to the Gateway to meet up with the rest of Team KB. I wasn't quite up for winning the "race" as I had threatened. I'm so happy that some of my friends took it easy with me... it was such a great experience.

I have such a love for the people around me, cheering me on. Love for the women and men at the race, fighting the same fight. And even a strange gratitude for this nasty disease that knocks me down at times, but is giving me such a different outlook on people and life.

Cancun

Brian and I just got back from Cancun. We went with my sister Allison and her husband, Jeff. We had such a blast...didn't do much, but thats what we went for! It's just what the doctor ordered. What a beautiful place it is there! And the politeness of all the workers at the resort - well, I just wanted to bring them all home with me!

Really, we literally did nothing! Some walks on the beach, swimming in the ocean, laying out, playing card games, shopping and eating! And my bald head was really not that big of a distraction when you think of all the banana hammocks and tight trunks all the Europeans run around in ;)

I'm so glad that my sister encouraged Brian and I to go away with them. Things like that that I'm a little hesitant to do, but they are such pick-me-ups and they make this difficult time pass much more quickly and happily. I love my sisters! Thanks!