I'm back!

Well, it's been about 1 1/2 years since I last posted.  I had actually forgotten about the blog, forgotten how I used to write my thoughts here to get them out of my head.  I'm so happy to have this written history of my life.  It's so nice to be able to take yourself back in time.  As dark as a time it may have been for me, it's a great reminder to myself to be happy for today!  Nobody knows what tomorrow brings.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that is a common conversation that I have at least weekly with someone I know.  My friend was telling me of a family member of hers that had just passed away from cancer.  She left behind a husband and five children.  My friend told me that I should be grateful.  To this, I told her with conviction that not a day, not an hour goes by that I don't feel a sense of gratitude!  I feel blessed that I was dealt a treatable form of the disease.  I feel blessed for the clarity that was brought into my life.
My perspective on this is what I want to document for myself at this time.  I hope to capture the small things and the big things that make my life so great and full!
TODAY - I am grateful for the reports I get from my kids when we get home from church on Sundays.  I appreciate and love the teachers who teach my children the gospel.

Happiest Place on Earth

DISNEYLAND! We had such a fantastic time at Disneyland this past month. My kids are at the perfect ages. Alex still interested enough in the characters to humor us. Izzy old enough to hang for the long days. And Max just being Max. Gotta love that kid for his easy temperament.

Alex's favorite ride was the Tower of Terror and California Screamin'. WOW - California Screamin' is an awesome ride! I haven't been much of a ride girl since I had kids. But that ride is one big rush!

We encouraged Max to go on every ride. However, he's not the thrill seeker that his sister is. His favorite ride was California Soaring. I bet he went on that five times! He also got to go up and do the Jedi Training presentation. He thought that was pretty cool, and he defeated Darth Vadar.

Izzy loved the characters so much! As far as rides go, she just loved all that she could go on. To see her face light up and watch her think and learn is simply amazing! What a great age!

Brian and I throughly enjoyed this trip in every way. Our kids were happy. The weather was absolutely perfect. We were with each other. What else could we ask for?

WHEW!

After waiting for one LONG month to have my second cancer marker test done, results are...they went down! My new number is 25. What does that mean? I don't really know that, but I know that it is good news and I can breathe a little easier for the next 3 months!

Things are good. I am starting to feel healthy again. I'm training to run in RAGNAR and a couple half marathons this summer, and it feels so good to be able to push myself...I am addicted to it! I now know how it feels to not be able to push myself and pretty much have no control over my health, and I despise that feeling!

I am changing for the better. I want to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. I officially went off of diet coke (that was a headache filled first week). I'm taking vitimins regularly (I feel like an old lady). And I am trying to step up my exercise regimine a notch. I have still not been able to go off of sugar/treats...that's for another day :) Nobody's perfect.

Brian and I are taking the kids to disneyland this Sunday for a week. We are so excited, afterall, it is the happiest place on earth! We haven't told the kiddos yet, we thought it would be fun to tell them as we are driving into the airport. They think that we are going to Salt Lake to stay in a hotel for a couple days...boy will they be surprised!

Fun pictures to come...

Spring?

Alex got baptized! What a great day that we shared with family and great friends. I hope it is one that she can remember forever. She's such a great girl!

Yesterday, Alex woke up and looked out the window. So dramatically, she said "Oh NO! The snow was all melted off the grass!" Yep, it snowed again. And is threatening snow today, and tomorrow...who knows how long? Spring seems to be so far away! Max has been reminding me for the past couple of days that it is officially Spring. Yep guys...this is Spring :)

Either way, we seem to get outside and brave the conditions. We had our last ski day yesterday, and it was great! It is such a fun way to spend time with the family. Brian is always up doing ski patrol on Thursdays, so I have been taking the kids up and we ski with him. He is getting the task of teaching Izzy - that's coming along...slowly!

I love my family so much! I often think about how maybe if there would have been one more child though. Especially when Max talks about how Dexter (his cat) is his only brother. It breaks my heart that the decision to have another child was taken away from me. I have to believe that it was not in the cards for me, and I am reminded to be grateful for the beautiful children that I have.

Being done with my treatments has been good and bad. I actually think I felt some security when I was going in weekly. I felt very proactive. For the past two weeks, I have really tried to get past this year and to become a true survivor. It has been mentally tough for me. I have a lot of fear. I'm angry that this fear has been instilled in me.  

I went in yesterday for my first "cancer marker". This is a blood test that is sent to the lab and it tests many things. If the number comes back above normal, it usually means that there's something bad stirring. All I really know is that the number I want to fall between is...1-40. As long as my "number" was within this range, things were looking good. The doc called yesterday with the results...39. I'm freaking out!

CELEBRATE!

HAWAII! This is the celebration that Brian and I gave ourselves as a reward for a hard year for both of us. We took off for a week and went to Kauai. Truly the most beautiful place that I have ever been in my life! We were so lucky to get the weather we got. Six out of the seven days were absolutely perfect! Waking up with a little chill, watching the whales and dolphins jumping in the ocean. Sea Turtles and Monk Seals sunbathing on our beach. We had such a blast! I hope to make this a yearly venture.

Yes, it's true...it has officially been a year since this all began. I honestly can't believe it! I just had my last herceptin treatment this past Wednesday. It felt really good. Especially as I look down at my bruised arm, to know that I shouldn't have to go back for that again. However, I must say, a little bittersweet. The group of fighters that have gone to get treatments at the same time as myself for the past 6 months or so...most of them don't have the same luxury. So as they wished me well and were genuinely happy for me, I felt almost guilty. As terrible as the past year has been for me, I definitely had it the best out of the group. Many of my friends are terminal. Receiving chemotherapy only to contain their cancers. I will miss visiting with my friends. I hope I never let myself forget the feelings, people or things that I have seen and learned this past year.

I can't say that the fear of having the cancer come back somewhere in my body doesn't cross my mind every day. I know there is much to be said for a positive attitude. I believe in that and I also believe in mind over body. I will move forward with a positive attitude. I am a proud survivor! I have been through more than I ever imagined I could go through. I hope to build my own strength and confidence, and move it into the future. Because I see it there now. I have a beautiful life, and I am grateful for this life every day.

Getting Away

Some of our friends invited us to go up to Star Valley, WY this past weekend to go snowmobiling. What a blast! There were three families that made the jaunt, and we had so much fun! After dealing with the arctic weather that has been freezing us inside here, it was amazingly warm (a whopping 40 degrees!)

Since Brian and I don't have much family around to get together with and go on vacations, it was just what we needed! I love to vacation with people. Some people are so lucky to have cousins and family at every turn. This truly makes me jealous! The absolute joy that exudes from my kids when they are surrounded by other kids for "sleeps", and meals is hilarious! The day we got home, Max said in his prayers to "bless that we can go back to Jace's grandmas house with our friends". This doesn't say much for my entertainment value in the home I guess :)

Because we don't' have much family in the area, I am so grateful for the people in our lives that have become like family to us. The people who let us in and love us unconditionally. The people we can turn to in good times and bad. This was a good time! I hope to have a year filled with good times, big or small. Shouldn't we all?

Time flies!

WOW! I had kind of written off keeping up with my blog. As the reason I did it in the first place was to sort through my feelings and keep my mind clear. But as I read back through this past year, I am so grateful that I have written and kept track of all the happenings. I honestly read some of the entries and say to myself... "really? that's how you felt?". Its strange to see now how much of the past year is a blur. And how happy I am for that! But in the same sense, really happy to have experiences and feelings written out for me to remember.

I can say this... I have been looking forward to the year 2011 ever since 2010 began! I knew that most of this last year would be doctors appointments, surgeries and chemo...and I couldn't wait for that to be behind me. And it went by so fast!

So here we are...January 8, 2011 - YIPPEE!

Am I myself? Physically...absolutely not! I am reminded every day as I work out that my body is still ridding itself of the drugs, and the actual physical toll from surgeries hinders much of what I do. The real difference for me here is letting go of my competitive self. Realizing that I probably won't be the strongest, the fastest and the best at what I'm doing. But I'm going to push for that...it's gotta get better :)

Mentally...probably not back to my old self, but getting close! I am technically one year out this next week. I only have eight more Herceptin treatments! That's great, considering there is a total of 52. The weekly treatments are not so bad for me anymore. I actually look forward to going to the cancer center and visiting with my new friends. I used to shy away from the patients and try to keep to myself. What a waste of time that was for me. I have learned so much about life and perseverance from these wonderful people!

I hope and pray every day that the cancer is gone. That what I experienced this past year will never be brought back into my life. BUT - on the flip side...if someone could guarantee me this - that the rest of my life would be cancer free...I say thank you for this past year! I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am stronger in every way! And the empathy I have gained for the people who go through this similar trial is more than I could ever imagine.

I have a good life. I am lucky to have caught this early. Moving on :)