Catching up!

I can't believe it's been a month since my last entry! I was using my blog as a way to clear my mind, kind-of talk things through for myself during chemo. Now that I'm starting to get back to my old self, I have neglected writing.

Well, the past month has been extremely busy! Again, we went to Bear Lake in the trailer and camped with some friends. And we also headed back up to the cabin in Alpine with some friends and had a great time! My sister was here for a whole month...it was so nice to have her around. This summer has been full and we have made some great memories!

My hair is officially coming back. I haven't sported a scarf or hat in a couple weeks now. I don't know if I have a newfound confidence about myself and the strength I feel or what... but the stares and looks just don't bother me anymore.

I am going into the Cancer Center weekly right now for my IV Herceptin treatments. They aren't too bad...as long as the nurse can find a vein to go through (she never can!) The worst part of going in is the reminder. I start to feel sick just walking into the building. But seeing all those people hooked up to their chemo bags is a reality check. Something that helps me remember how lucky we are to have our health. I have such compassion for those people. The look in their eyes is so telling to me now. Wednesdays are always kind-of emotionally draining for me.

And the hormone pill I take daily... are you kidding me? I officially am going through menopause - hot flashes and all! One month down... 4 years and 11 months to go :)

I love my life. I am starting to feel such strength and really getting back to my old self. However, my old self will be different this time. Things I have gone through have taught me so much. I will never be the same. And I am thrilled with the change!

4th of July

This year my little family, my sister Allison's family and some other friends went to Bear Lake for the 4th of July. We had such a great time! We stayed in a cabin... yep - all of us! I thought it would be pretty crazy... and it was! But we all had such a blast! Got in some good "beach" time (if you can call Bear Lake beach that)... went hiking to Bloomington Lake, played bags, went 4-wheeling and ATE!

With a couple day break in between... we next headed for the cabin in Alpine. This time, just Allisons family and ours. Again... had a blast! It is so great to get away. My sister and I went on a couple mountain bike rides that were so beautiful (WOW, that is some pretty country), went down the snake river and hit Bar J ranch.

My sister and her family have been here for about 2 weeks now. It is so much fun to have them around. I would love nothing more than to live closer to my sisters.  My kids are in absolute heaven with some of their cousins around to play with. However...I desperately need to get my kids to bed before 10 one of these days! It's killing me!

I am feeling quite good. I still have to go in every week for my Herceptin treatments. They don't really affect me too badly physically, but mentally... still my issue. Sitting there in the "chemo loungers"... as I look around, I can't help but be reminded what this past 6 months has brought and the changes that have been made in my life. I have to wear a hat and pull it real low so my tears don't show. It gets me every time!

I have decided against radiation. The pros don't necessarily outweigh the cons. I wish one of the doctors would just tell me what to do... but being left with the decision - I opt out. So, on with the Herceptin for another 6 months and I'll start on the Estrogen blockers (pill form) here soon. Fun fun!

Overall... great summer so far! Happy to be alive and well (pretty well, anyways) :)

Last Chemo!

So - Chemo is behind me! I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hate chemo with every piece of my being! Even though my body seemed to tolerate it better than some maybe... it doesn't mean it was easy.

Usually at this point (4 days out), I am feeling alright. Unfortunately, this time around it has been different. The nausea has been unbearable and seems to be much worse through the night. Not to mention the hot/cold sweats that are constant. I haven't been this miserable to date... I am just so glad that it is almost done!

Verdicts still out on radiation. The doctors think they got the margins clear with the surgery, but due to my age and higher chances of it coming back - leave it up to me really. I think I'll probably do it.  Then following radiation, I will continue on the Herceptin IV drip for the year and then do oral drugs (estrogen blocker) for about 5 years.

It's a long road... but I honestly feel that the hard part is over.

I have come this far with the constant support, love, help, etc... of those dear people in my life. I truly have some great support!

On my last day of chemo, my neighborhood friends threw me a post-chemo pool party! It was such a blast. It really is amazing what feeling a little love and seeing such good in people can do for the healing. I really couldn't have come this far without my family, my friends and neighbors, my ward members and all of the strong people who have come into my life because of this event.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I felt like I was a pretty strong person before this trial. Watch out world...I'm going to come back stronger than ever :)

My Big Day

This past Saturday, the "Little Red Riding Hood" bike race/ride was in town. Its a ride that goes all through the valley - 100 miles! Some of my friends were doing it and encouraged me to ride as much as I felt up to, since the race itself raises money for cancer - women specific. I thought, "why not?" and I showed up bright and early.

As it turns out... I did it! I was able to finish the ride and did my first century ride ever... on chemo! It felt so good to finish. To be able to put mind over body and cross the finish line with some good friends that pulled me and supported me the whole way :)

After I got home, I was just famished! I was just waiting for the sun to go down so I could climb in bed and sleep forever! But some friends of mine had invited me to go to dinner, and I was starving... so off I went.

As it turns out, I went to pick up my friend and she told me that she had forgot something in her house and to just come in for a minute. Well... to finish off a great day - there were about 10 of my close high-school friends, many of which I haven't seen in years... there to surprise me for my first surprise "pink" party ever! WOW! I felt so happy... on cloud nine. These great friends that remain there for each other to love and support in good times and in bad... regardless of where we live or how often we see each other.

What a day! You can't really ask for more than that.

I'm off to Texas for my sisters wedding this Friday. I am looking forward to this trip (minus the family pictures that are in the line-up). Should be fun :)

Is it summer yet?

Summer is not really sneaking up on us... but I'm sure it is going to come one of these days! It's crazy that this May has been so rainy and cold. The only threat to summer is that the kids get out of school this next week. I can't believe Alex is going to be in 2nd grade. How time flies. The kids are getting so big... kinda makes me want to freeze time for a while and enjoy it!

It's been harder to enjoy the past few months, as my energies have been wrapped up in getting past this hurdle, getting better. I try to do all that I can in each day. Try to take the kids to the park, read an extra book at bedtime, listen to and really bond with them. Cancer has made me realize that nothing is guaranteed. Every day is a blessing. Not that I don't think I can beat this... I will. But it's impossible not to think of these things. I want to have memories and relationships that really mean something and matter!

It is so easy to take things for granted. I think that most of us do. Until we are faced with a challenge that rocks our core... shakes our securities. Our families, our friends, our blessings and our health. I have been blessed with all things great for much of my life. I wish to move past this challenge and have it in the past forever. But one thing I hope to carry with me is my love and gratitude for all around me... all that I am blessed with.

Race for the Cure

I wasn't quite sure I was going to be able to rally for the big "race" today after I had my 4th round of chemo this past Tuesday. There is turning out to be truth to the warnings that the further along you get into the treatments, the harder it is on your body. I was pretty sure I wanted to just die this time around. It started out badly when I went into get the IV put in and I was doing everything I could to stop the tears. Then when the nurse asked me to go find my chair to sit in for the next 4 hours, I just broke down. It is getting so hard... this pattern of sickness and continuing havoc it is wrecking on my body and mind! I was struggling this week... and I am so happy that I was able to have something to look forward to - The Race for the Cure!

I had such a blast this weekend! Myself and several friends took off Friday night for an overnighter pre-race getaway. We had so much fun! I guess you never get too old to stay up half the night talking. Then this morning, we cruised over to the Gateway to meet up with the rest of Team KB. I wasn't quite up for winning the "race" as I had threatened. I'm so happy that some of my friends took it easy with me... it was such a great experience.

I have such a love for the people around me, cheering me on. Love for the women and men at the race, fighting the same fight. And even a strange gratitude for this nasty disease that knocks me down at times, but is giving me such a different outlook on people and life.

Cancun

Brian and I just got back from Cancun. We went with my sister Allison and her husband, Jeff. We had such a blast...didn't do much, but thats what we went for! It's just what the doctor ordered. What a beautiful place it is there! And the politeness of all the workers at the resort - well, I just wanted to bring them all home with me!

Really, we literally did nothing! Some walks on the beach, swimming in the ocean, laying out, playing card games, shopping and eating! And my bald head was really not that big of a distraction when you think of all the banana hammocks and tight trunks all the Europeans run around in ;)

I'm so glad that my sister encouraged Brian and I to go away with them. Things like that that I'm a little hesitant to do, but they are such pick-me-ups and they make this difficult time pass much more quickly and happily. I love my sisters! Thanks!

My Doc

I had to go in to get my blood drawn for my mid-cycle testing yesterday. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to get the white blood cell booster injection this time around... no dice! Chemo just seems to wipe those out of me, and yet again... I got shot up! My doctor was hesitant to break the news - since the side effects bite!

I was so happy though - my doctor told me that he was amazed at how my body was handling chemo. That my treatment regimine is pretty rough, and that he was impressed. Just what I love to hear! I try so hard to be tough and not to complain (too much anyways). My oncologist is great! I think all of us "cancer patients" have a little crush on the guy. We're pretty lucky to have Dr. Ben Jacobs in Logan (he's the only Medical Oncologist in town) :) He thinks I'm reckless and I tend to try to negotiate or skirt around issues that he discusses with me, but its all in good fun. So, for having to deal with cancer... we're all pretty lucky to have him as our "doc".

Out of the fog.

My third treatment came and went. I'm so happy to have it behind me. After a couple days, I am starting to feel better physically. I keep expecting to be slammed and down and out. I am so grateful that for some reason, my body is seemingly able to fight the drugs off. Sure, at times I am so exhausted that I want to just collapse and cry... but for the most part, my body is staying strong!

My frame of mind and my optimism seem to be my biggest struggle at this time. It is challenging for me as I can see myself being irrational or how the little things affect me in ways that I wish they didn't. I know it is temporary. I know that it is part of the havoc these drugs wreck on my body!

After 2 months, it doesn't get easier to walk into a room and feel and catch the stares. I have yet to get used to walking by a mirror or reflection of myself. I pride myself on being strong physically and mentally. With each treatment, this power slips away just a bit.

I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In a clear mind... I can see that this already has made me stronger. I hate it with every piece of my being - but I will grow and learn what I am meant to from this experience.

Spring Break

We headed down south to St George again, for Spring Break this time. Along with several families and friends from the neighborhood. Even though the weather was a little questionable at times, it certainly beat the near foot of snow we got at home!

The kids had a blast, which makes everything worth it. We hiked, road biked, played, swam and ate a lot! We had such a good time with each other and with great friends!

I felt so great the whole time! My doctor gave me an extra week off, as my 3rd treatment fell during the kids spring break. Sure, I am not myself when it comes to energy and endurance for exercise. But I felt normal. Feeling normal is something I don't take for granted anymore. It feels so good to have a little bounce in my step.

I got a taste of it and I'm pretty anxious about my next treatment on Tuesday. Its tough to feel like you've shaken all the chemo symptoms. And then to willingly go in and have them punish your body again, its crazy! I can already taste the metal in my mouth, feel the naseua in my stomach and I realize that my energy levels will be depleted once again. All for a short time, I am hoping.

When people ask me how long I expect to be down after each treatment... I don't know what to say. My mind wants to scream out and say, no time at all! But in reality, I know that with each treatment, my body has taken it a little harder and it kills me to succumb to the poison. But it is realistically probably about a week before I can shake the harshness of the drugs.

This treatment will be number three of six. 3 down, 3 to go... that's encouraging! :)

Keeping up!

My kids aren't really the "chill - sit back and watch" kind of kids. They are a bit high energy and like to keep us on our toes. What a day! No joke, I have got to share these stories, as they literally happened within 1/2 hour of each other.

Brian had Max down at his office for about the last hour of work today. Max was on schedule to just play on the computer while Brian tied up a few loose ends before he came home. Brian came home and told me that he got "caught up" talking to one of his guys and wasn't paying much attention to what Max was doing. When all the sudden, the Sheriff shows up. Concerned, Brian asks the Sheriff if everything is OK? The Sheriff goes on to say that they have received several calls from this location to 911 and he needs to make sure everything is alright. To this hour, Max is holding strong to his story. He has no little sister to blame this time! Nice try buddy!

Literally at the same time, I am at home trying to get dinner ready. Izzy comes up to me with a neighbors sweatshirt and tells me whose it is. I acknowledge the observation and tell her that we will get it to her tomorrow. Not 30 seconds later, and Alex is yelling to me that Izzy has opened the door and is b-lining it down the street to return the sweatshirt. I run to the door (bald headed and all) and Izzy's just about half way down the hill. Funny story... not yet. The funny part is that she has an audience! Several neighbors are watching my 2 year old streak down the open street in her snow boots and t-shirt. Loose as can be - no pants, no diaper... nothing! I drive down the street to pick her up and bring her home. She collectively walks in the garage door and smoothly strolls to the front door and BAM! She escapes again! Naked and all :) I'm happy to entertain the neighbors.

Do I have my hands full? The answer is yes. Fortunately...no harm, no foul - today anyways :)

Weekly Recap

My sister and her five kids were here about a week ago. It was so great to have her stay with me for a short time, and my kids were in absolute heaven playing with their cousins. They certainly feel "ripped off" that all their cousins live in Texas. Angie is so happy! She has been through more than I can even imagine in the past 1 1/2 years. She will be getting married on June 11th to someone who makes her over the moon happy. Her happiness shines through her and it is addictive. I love her so much!

It has been a while since I last wrote. I draw a blank as to what to write... not knowing the defining difference between what to share and things I prefer to keep to myself. Thoughts, feelings, emotions... I experience the whole realm in any given day.

I had my second of six chemo treatments a week ago today. I am just starting to feel like myself again. The things this poison does to my body... wow! The obvious effects are hair loss (which I have pretty much completed) and fatigue. Unfortunately, I experience about every additional side effect in the book. Just like me, very "by the book". I wish I could grab a break here!

The weather is turning (with exception to the beautiful snow storm we had this morning). Who couldn't be excited about Spring approaching? My favorite time of the year! Getting the kids out to the park, riding their bikes and scooters and although they are already asking about swimming and water slides - I think we've got a while before that! But life is good.

My Giant Hurdle

WOW! Waiting no longer. I anticipated this day since the diagnosis. Losing my hair was the biggest deal breaker of having cancer. Unfortunately, I was left with no choice in the matter. On day 17 following my first treatment, my hair started to come out. It was coming out in such clumps that I decided to take matters into my own hands. After a emotional morning of fighting the enevitable, I took the bull by the horns and with a few close friends had it buzzed off. I was shaking, I was so nervous! I don't care what anyone says, that was one of my darkest days so far.

I feel like the talk of the town. Wanting to escape it all, I went to Salt Lake for a night with a friend of mine. It was just what I needed... or so I thought. NOPE! I thought I was hanging tough. I thought I would be good to go with my head scarf in tow. That was not the case at all. By 5:00, I had had it! I couldn't look or pass by one more mirror. I didn't recognize myself! I couldn't handle one more stare or long look. I went out to the car by myself and completely lost it!

I am trying so hard to become OK with this, for I have to be! I will own this look and get my emotions in check, but it is taking time. Without actually losing my hair, I could never have imagined feeling this way. I feel so vulnerable now, and I am grateful for friends helping me "plug along"and jump over this giant hurdle!

Still Waiting!

It's been two weeks since my first chemo treatment. Thats the magic number that is given as far as how long to expect before your hair starts falling out. Still waiting... it hasn't happened and I couldn't be happier about being a "late bloomer" in this sense!

I feel good! In fact, if I didn't have the constant reminders of head covers laying around the house, minor physical discomforts and the "cancer" idea looming in my head all the time... I would almost not even believe its happening to me!

Throughout the past 2 months, I have tried so hard to continue working out regularly. That is something that is so important to me. Not to burn calories or lose weight. Simply because it clears my mind. It invigorates me and makes me feel like I still have control over something. It makes me feel strong and in charge of something! I ran the other day for the first time since the mastectomy. YES! I feel so "normal" right now.

I can't wait for the Race for the Cure in Salt Lake City on May 8th. You better believe I'll be a part of that. These are my people :) I have such a love and such compassion for anyone who has been affected by this disease. My heart has grown, my outlook has been broadened and I welcome these changes with arms wide open!!!

Wigs

So, I'm just kind-of anticipating my hair coming out. The doctor said that it typically starts to come out at about the 2 week mark. My 1st chemo treatment was 11 days ago!

So...wigs it is! I despise them! There is nothing cute about them. Every time I look at either the blond wig or the brown wig, I just get a sick feeling inside. I had a friend come over today to "shape" them up a bit for me. I gotta hand it to her, they look better. At this point, I don't see myself ever being comfortable wearing one. Fortunately, I found some cute hats and scarves as a cover up alternative.

On a side note - I gotta give a shout-out to my Grandma Raymond who would be turning 96 today! Happy Birthday GG! Its been about 1 1/2 years since she passed. I think of her often, as she was truly probably my very best friend and confidant. How I wish she was here with me now!!

Rally Hats

Well, it snowed a couple inches here today! Winter is managing to hang around... just when it looked like we might be nearing spring. I guess we'll bust out the skis and sleds :)

My brother-in-law has been here the past couple of days. What a champ! Yesterday, he watched my kids for me when I had to go to Salt Lake for a couple appointments. He hardly watches his own kids when he's at home in Texas! Really!

But the night he got here, we caught up, watched my favorite show (Cougar Town), and I was heading off to bed. When he asks me to wait and he pulls out this bag. He busts out some Nike hats that have the "LIVESTRONG" logo on the front (which is Lance Armstrong's cancer logo essentially). And on the side of the hat, he has had them all embroidered "TEAM KB", in breast cancer pink! He went on to tell me that he and my sister hate being so far away, and this was their way to rally up and support me! He had some extra made and told me that he had made them for me to give to people who are close to me here and helping me rally through my fight... every day!

What a gesture!

My Therapy

I love my life! I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me, supports me and provides for our family. So blessed to have three beautiful, healthy children. So blessed to live in a place where my family feels safe and at home. So blessed to belong to the family that I do and to have welcomed many more people in my life who have become like family to me too. I have so much to be thankful for! I have always felt this way. However, over the past couple of months - my perspective has been dramatically changing... for the better.

Very recently, I have been dealt some challenging circumstances. Some challenges that I am to deal with and learn from. My story is much the same as many strong women out there... Breast Cancer.

Selfishly, I am choosing to begin my blog now to document the path that I am on. The experiences I am having. So that I can express my thoughts, concerns, good days, bad days - to hopefully clear my mind even a little bit! Also, it is my hope to be able to connect with so many people who have expressed interest and concern for me and my families well being. I have been so touched by the outpouring of love, phone calls and cards in my behalf. Although I would love to respond to each and every one... I have not been able to. With each day that passes, I gain such strength from all the good in my life!

My journey to get through this trial has begun... it is in full swing! And this blog is my therapy...

St. George Getaway

We went with some friends and took the family down to St. George over Presidents Day weekend. It was so great to escape the FREEZING weather! It was absolutely beautiful. Who knew that 65 degrees would be considered hot? We swam at the pool every day, hiked in the canyons, played in the sand dunes and rode our bikes. Good times! Much needed getaway... enough to get us through the rest of this dreary winter.

Birthday Parties

So, my family is growing up! Alex just turned 7 (Feb. 20), and lost her first tooth! Max just turned 5 (Feb. 19) and my little baby Izzy is 2 1/2. Yes, she is my baby - and I'm going to hang onto that for a while.

Alex is my little student. She is an excellent reader and learner, she is on a team at gymnastics, and she will start soccer and tennis as soon as the weather turns a bit. Until the snow clears, she loves to go skiing up at the Beav!

Max is addicted to Transformers and Bugs. Between the two, he could occupy most of his days. He is super excited to be 5, as he can now start up with soccer and t-ball! He too loves to go skiing with his daddy up at the Beav!

Izzy is a little firecracker. MINE, ME and NO are constants coming out of her mouth. I couldn't love her any more, she is such a joy... but definitely keeps me busy!

Both Alex and Max decided to have birthday parties this year. And since Alex wanted to go bowling, do a pinata and have cake and ice cream... so did her little brother! They both had about 7-8 friends come over and they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. What a weekend!